Jan 31, 2008 — Speaking to an Deranged American

This is a very difficult thing to describe. When you speak to a deranged American, it is very nasally and they most often speak with broken English. This is not an assumption, it’s first hand experience. It’s very appalling that our language is denigrated to theirs in order for them to understand and complete their transactions over the phone. For example, if they say “huh?” you have to reply with “YES, THE TRANSACTION WAS COMPLETE” in a very slow way.  The most important part of the call is explaining that my name is Sufi and not Susie. For example:

Me: “Hi, thank for calling Comcast, my name is Sufi, how may I assist you?”

She: “Huh? What’s your name again?”

Me: “Sue – Fee”

She: “Susie?”

Me: “Su-FEE”

She: “Suuuusieee?”

Me: “S as in Sun, U as in ultra, F as in Fire, and I as in Irritated”

She: “Susie?”

Me: “Yes, how may I help you”

Interestingly this happens on a frequent basis. Names are very difficult for Americans to pronounce, especially my name. Even more interesting is when you explain to them directions to a local Comcast office. Logically speaking, when you tell someone that the route is north, it is north, right? Wrong, when you speak with a such an American, the route to the north end is a route from the South end. My experience then is trying to explain that the south end doesn’t equal the north side. But, sadly, this is what I have to deal with.

Talking about billing to such an American is very difficult. First you explain that their bill is this X amount of dollars high from their last bill because they ordered lots of Pay-Per-View events, oftentimes porno. Also, from the pay per view screen display, I see ridiculous titles of extravagant porno events, oftentimes costing over 20 dollars! Americans love their porno, especially when it’s good and high-priced! When I am explaining that they ordered adult content, they attempt to lie. It’s pretty sad. So you have to lie in turn for them to understand that it’s a lie. When you finish lying, tell the real explanation and they finally understand. It’s an intricate backward logic that such an American follow.